After one of the most challenging times of my life, I am beginning to feel alive and connected again to myself, my body, my students and our beautiful world.
BUT FREAKING HECK! WHAT A TRIP! I feel like I died one thousand deaths.
About 2 weeks ago after out TF Spirit Retreat, I discovered (on an even deeper level) that the teacher is also the student and often the experiment to the magnificent shift in consciousness that is happening now.
Truth is, this work involves great commitment, passion and devotion. Plus, part madness also - the ability to move far and beyond what is comfortable in the pursuit of 'the truth', beyond suffering, beyond illusion, beyond fear and doubt.
I was to walk into the unknown, the gateways of the LIGHT, and I mean past being a light bearer ... I was to become, embody and Invoke 'THE LIGHT WITHIN ME'. To awaken the great spirit, the flame, and the truth of my inner self, my higher self and my shadow self. This light from within, had to STEM from within. I was asked by my Twin Flame (Jonathan) the masters, the teachers (and silently by my students) to find this light outside the oceans, the rivers, the lakes, the mountains, the rain, the flowers, the animals, my friends; I was asked to find this real connection inside of me and that no light external to me from the outside world could temporarily replace the light ... 'From within first Mary, go inside yourself and shine ever so brightly so I can see myself in you when all else fades away'.
I cried and cried, the tears rolled down my face; I felt like a scared little girl alone and lost in this big world, no words could comfort me at this time, I questioned everything! I questioned my work, life, my friends, I questioned existence. I questioned spirituality, the essence of all things, I questioned sacred connections and sexuality. For the first time in my life I felt COMPLETELY DISCONNECTED, and then I wondered ... 'OMG, is this depression, am I going through depression?' What is this feeling. I want it to go away, but it didn't, I slept with it, I awoke with it, I trained with it, I worked with it, I wanted to vomit! I was so low and couldn't shake it off. Why was this happening to me, wasn't the light of the world and the beauty around me enough??? It was not enough if I couldn't connect to the beauty inside of me.
Immediately, I thought ... head to the gym and ground - I spent 6 hours on and off doing cardio, then head out to the beach to find my connection during meditation on the sand ... STILL NOTHING! So I decided to get help, I made an appointment to see a PSYCHIC spiritual clairvoyant ... As I walked into the little tiny room in the shack somewhere behind a shop, I took a deep breath and thought 'it's okay Mary - this will help' ... She looked at me, and said 'WOW MARY, CONGRATULATIONS this is the the best time in your life, you are getting engaged and so very happy! This appointment was a total disappointment, a few tarot cards spread across the table and 30 minutes later none the wiser so I stood up, and head to yoga (I had to otherwise I would be self destructive at home and so very sad).
Do I connect only to my base chakra's and primal nature and dance and dance and embrace my power??? How can anyone do this without the opening of the heart, the freedom of their wild and pure spirit! No! I decided this too was an illusion.
So I was to 'wine and dine with the DEVIL' so to speak until I could see clearly again. No problems, 'perhaps you are sailing with the right angel'.
I reached out for help from some of my closer friends, and no body could help me! I needed to help myself, carry myself --- understand my darkness to experience my Light. My Jonathan offered me this Gift and had stand aside whilst I journeyed through this portal alone, for me, for him and for the planet!
The next morning, every single LIGHT in my house EXPLODED! I had no lights for 3 days, no power, no electricity, tap broke down, fridge turned off ... It was a total reflection of what was happening to me --- I filled the whole house with candles for 3 days and sat on my couch with my cat 'Tilka Black Rose' and thought --- I could drink a whole bottle of vodka right about now!
But instead, I sat in silence in the stillness of my awakening and prayed, I prayed so much and felt that God was listening, but the darkness was listening to!!
The next morning, I had 3 very handsome men in my home, One underneath my sink, one on my lights and one in the fridge.
My Lights at home needed a total re-wire and so did I!
And so I did, and SO BE IT!
So I am finding my light.
Today, I am recognising the importance of the bottom three chakra's --- body consciousness, the power of the spoken word, never to love anyone outside of you more than your own beautiful soul. We are all equal. YOU are the buddha, the goddess, the spiritual warrior, the light of one hundred thousand golden suns and the rays of the most glorious guru's that serve humanity. You are wild, crazy, real, raw and untamed ... and SO AM I.
This voice spoke to me of boundaries, lessons, contracts, and when one ends - another will begin to manifest.
The service work that we do extends past the psychic gateway and allows us to evolve to a new paradigm where ultimate freedom and unconditional love are possible.
Doing this is not always easy, in fact it feels like 100,000 deaths.
Feels like I'm always letting go, or giving something up, or someone up for that matter .., when really all I am losing is my mind; this can be quote painful especially when dealing with matters of the heart.
I wouldn't be able to do this work unless I was brave enough to walk through the fire and burn all false illusions of self and all that crap..
So I guess you could say that I am absolutely living proof that anything and everything is possible.
Hard part is I am a woman after all;
Feelings, emotions, thoughts and insecurities just like the rest of us beautiful women ... and men
I'm just a little crazier cause I choose to play warrior and goddess in the human body with is of course a little more challenging.
I have to move deep inside of me and give myself the GIFT of me, the light of the universe inside my tiny little heartbeat.
Just so you know angels,
I sought peace from you and so many others that extended their unconditional love to me through good wishes, text messages, emails and FB posts
I received so much love, beauty, kindness, light and acceptance. I felt bathed and held in so much genuine care so thank you thank you thank you, a million trillion gratitude and blessings to you both for loving me so very much!!
I am so blessed to have you in my life.
I am feeling SO much stronger and not a far way away from being my bright shining self again.
The Twin Flame journey is definitely not the easiest path to journey, but I am up for it, I have a sensational man who is up for it and the most beautiful friends like you around me who genuinely care about my spirit.
I love you GOD, I love you JONATHAN, I LOVE ME. Sometimes, the lesson's are painful, yet even the deepest wounds enlighten and all pain will heal.
Love you so much for checking in with me, 1000 blessings most beautiful warriors.
Please email me on; firstname.lastname@example.org should you want to reach out and access your own divinity ... or if you would like to connect
Always in my heart. I love you. xoxo